The worst part about me is I fear a lot plus overthinking together.
So for example, I am going to this trek on 27th and I have already thought of the worst possible thing that could happen to me – THAT I DIE.
Now, one would say that it is normal when you are planning something or for future events. You overthink, overanalyze!
But, I do this for very little things too.
Like, today there is a wedding in my village. I just went there had food and came back but Mom is still there. Now, my scared ass is thinking what she would be doing there, will she be able to come back properly. I have literally imagined what happens if she falls somewhere in between or if an animal attacks her while coming back and she DIES.
I do this most of the time. More when I have no better things to do. Like rn, it’s 4 am, I am awake. And awake because of the same reason – I had left the house doors open for her. And she is there enjoying the wedding.
My home is in very safe area and there have been 0 theft incidences here. But still, I felt like thieves will come, loot and SURLEY kill me before leaving.
100% of the time…all these “worries” have been proven wrong but still I can’t help thinking about it.
The even worst part..I know a solution that would kinda work… For other people atleast…The law of probability.
It says whenever you “worry” about things…consider the probability of them happening in the past and you would feel calmer. In my case with the ‘extreme’ thoughts I have, nothing bad has ever happened.
Ummm maybe…..I do this because when I am thinking of the “extreme”, I am SAVING myself from emotional damage. I am consciously telling myself that whatever happens ..it will be ok…for me atleast.
Hmmm…this makes sense..because in majority …or I should say all of these ‘extreme worries’, people close to me die – mom, sister, friends. Maybe, I am telling myself…that even if they die, I WILL BE OK.
And I think I developed this when papa passed away in 2017. I remember complaining to God or whatever that take everything you want, take my mother too and my Didi’s and everyone close to me, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
Maybe this is why…I think of extremes when it comes to them. Whenever anyone of them is travelling or simply not in front of my eyes …I worry …to the EXTREME.
Hmmm…that is some serious shit. But yeah, it brought me some clarity. Too much clarity to be honest.
I don’t know the solution to it though. Will post this on LinkedIn to ask people the solution. Why the fuck should I pay for therapist?
The thing I hate about me…
